The name game is the ultimate no brain way to draft
By - Jeff Mertes

There are varying degrees of commitment to preparing for a fantasy football draft.  Some maniacally pour over stats for hours on end, pulling advice from a plethora of expert sources, model projections to a particular scoring template and inject their own personal slants.  Others rely solely on expert opinions.  And some seem to pick draft choices with about as much acumen as a plumber performing brain surgery.

Without a doubt, the laziest way to approach an annual NFL player parlay would be to confine selections to gridders with the last name of Williams, Johnson or Smith.  Just three out of hundreds of surnames that make up NFL rosters – simple enough.  Amazingly, this ultra no brain approach could yield a pretty potent team.

Brad Johnson (Bucs) would be doing the quarterbacking.  Not necessarily a super stud, but a pretty solid choice who tossed for 3811 yards and 26 touchdowns with 21 pilfered last year.  Potential backups aren’t exactly noteworthy and might need some tweaking during the course of the season.  But to begin with, Doug Johnson (Falcons and now Jaguars) would have to do.  He aired it out for 1655 yards including 8 TDs and 12 interceptions plus packed one into end zone in 2003 – a season that included eight starts, but he has since been shuffled off to Jacksonville.

This name game team would be solid at pounding the turf.  Indeed, Ricky Williams (Dolphins), dreadlocks dangling, would be in the backfield.  He packed the pig snout for 1373 yards including 9 touchdowns and caught tosses for 351 with one for six a year ago.  Also toting the tater would be Rudi Johnson (Bengals) who rambled for 957 yards with 9 to paydirt along with pass catches for 146.  Not bad for a part-time starter scheduled for full-time duty in ’04.  Adding depth would be Moe Williams (Vikings), a 745 yard rusher with 5 TDs plus 644 yards receiving and 3 more touchdowns.  The fourth running back spot could go to one of several candidates including the other Ricky Williams (Colts), Onterrio Smith (Vikings) or Larry Johnson (Chiefs), all waiting in the wings should a starter go on IR.  Of course, there’s also hall-of-fame bound Emmitt Smith.

The wide receiving corps would be smokin’ with lots of blue chip sticky fingered guys to choose from.  Up and coming Chad Johnson (Bengals) grabbed passes for 1355 yards and 10 touchdowns last year to top targets.  Steve Smith (Panthers) is another likely candidate who hauled in strikes for 1110 yards and 7 touchdowns last year.  After twiddling thumbs during a four game suspension, Jimmy Smith (Jaguars) caught aerials for 805 yards and 4 scores during his abbreviated ’03 season.  A quality group would be in the mix for fourth receiver including Andre Johnson (Texans), Rod Smith (Broncos), and rookie Roy Williams (Lions).  Wow, these flying biscuit snatchers could be mighty good.  And, no, Keyshawn Johnson (Cowboys) wasn’t left off the list by mistake.

Since tight ends have to be picked, scratch away with Boo Williams (Saints) who snagged tosses for 436 yards and 5 TDs in ‘03.  Backing up Boo would be Teyo Johnson (Raiders) or Eric Johnson (49ers).

On the defensive flipside, the line would include Kevin Williams (Vikings) who recorded 10.5 sacks and picked off a pass while also getting 36 tackles and 15 assists during his rookie campaign.  Justin Smith (Bengals) had 41 tackles, 19 assists and 5 quarterback dumps to be a solid candidate.  Ellis Johnson (Falcons) with 8 sacks, 34 tackles and 7 assists could sumo away on the inside. Additional spots might go to Aaron Smith (Steelers), Pat Williams (Bills), Brady Smith (Falcons), Raylee Johnson (Cowboys) or rookie Will Smith (Saints) among others.

Surprisingly, the linebacking corps is expected to be on the thin side.  Backers would be paced by Derek M. Smith (49ers) who knocked heads for 87 tackles, 27 assists and 3.5 sacks a year ago.  Travian Smith (Raiders), who recorded 56 tackles, 13 assists and a sack last season, would also be counted on as a slobber knocker. Beyond this point, the ranks are anorexic. Rookie D.J. Williams (Broncos) should start from the get go at outside backer.   And second year guy Sam Williams (Raiders) should be the starter, gunning from the outside in Oakland’s revamped 3-4. Ted Johnson (Patriots), despite a shortened, injury plagued season in ’03, needs to regain ’02 stat levels when he notched 62 tackles, 34 assists and 1.5 QB pancakes.  Others to consider might be Tim Johnson (Raiders) or Riall Johnson (Cardinals).  Not the greatest bunch, but there is a gaggle of untested rookies including Landon Johnson (Bengals), Daryl Smith (Jaguars), Demorrio Williams (Falcons) and Renauld Williams (Falcons) along with a few others that could pan out.

The stop corps is definitely highlighted by its defensive backs.  Roy Williams (Cowboys) fell off quite a bit from his incredible rookie year, but still managed 2 pass pilfers, 2 sacks, 55 tackles and 17 assists.  Another productive dee-bee would be Brian Williams (Vikings) who picked-off 5 passes with one returned to the promised land, blitzed for 3 sacks, recorded 61 tackles and 16 assists.  Of course, Aeneas Williams (Rams) would have to be included after posting 59 tackles, 15 assists, a QB corral and 4 interceptions with one returned for six last year.  Just to break up the domination by the Williams boys, throw in Dwight Smith (Bucs) with his 5 pass swipes, 61 tackles and 12 assists.  Shaun Williams (Giants) and Tank Williams (Titans) might also be worthy selections.  Man, what a killer group.

Finding someone to knock the hide through the tines presents a problem since no kickers have a Johnson (of course they do, but Norm Johnson’s foot went to kicker Valhalla a few years ago), Smith or Williams surname.  Consequently, a little brown-nosing had to be done by including Browns for this position.  Josh Brown (Seahawks) leads the way by booting 22 field goals and 48 extra points in his ’03 rookie campaign.  Also pickable would be Kris Brown (Texans) with 18 FGs and 27 PATs to his credit a year ago.

So, this is the ultimate fantasy football name game.  Johnson, Smith and Williams with a little Brown thrown in to make the team street legal.  Anyone out there brave, crazy or lazy enough to use the name game draft model?  Honestly, you could certainly do a lot worse.